Now please get in the cake

‘Now please get in the cake’ he said and I just looked at him. By this point I was getting pretty cheesed off. I’d been bundled into the back of some ropey old car, hauled out again and marched through the corridors of a dump in the middle of nowhere. I’d been trussed up, passed through the hands of different men like butter at the supermarket checkout and packed off again.
Up above my head were some ropes, probably left over from the village panto and I tried to eye them up without attracting the attention of the ape who’d been responsible for my ordeal so far that day. I wondered what he had had to do with the other bloke, dressed in black robes. I sensed that there were others in the room and as I tried to calm my nerves by taking a deep breath my nostrils felt suffocated by the dank atmosphere.
The furniture was made from dark wood and I was surprised to see some embroidered cushions in deep red. I had the feeling that escape was becoming a fantasy, that this set-up was too organised, more so than I could have guessed from my journey there.
When I’d arrived at the first place, they’d removed the material covering my eyes. It had worried me because it could’ve meant that they were no longer trying to keep things secret. They were going to do away with me, I was sure. The man in the black robe seemed to be the ring leader; he had questioned me and then the weirdo next to me with the stupid grin. I couldn’t understand what he said, it wasn’t plain English so I just nodded and it seemed to keep him happy.
The next thing that’d happened was a high speed car journey to where I was now. The grinning idiot had been frantic, kept looking out of the rear window of the car to see that we were ahead of the others.
‘What’s the matter Fran?’ he asked, looking at me.
‘Oh nothing. After all, I do this sort of thing all the time. What do you think is the matter?’ I shouted.
‘I thought you liked surprises.’
I was speechless. Who did he think he was?
‘When you said that you didn’t want a traditional wedding, that you wanted to surprise everyone, I found the perfect answer. Now please, get in the cake’ he said, ‘We’re running out of time’.
‘Is it a fruit cake?’
‘No’
‘Well, that’s alright then’ and we jumped in holding hands and waited for the first guests to arrive.